In a surprising move this morning, the Los Angeles Dodgers have announced the most important signing of the off-season. They have acquired the single most prized free agent in the history of all space and time, and somehow, they inked him to a minor league deal. That’s right. The Los Angeles Dodgers have signed … Doug Mientkiewicz.
The Dodgers are still a terrible offensive team and will remain that way until Manny Ramirez is re-signed, but this move today clinches a World Series trophy for them earlier than any team in history has ever won the Commissioner’s Trophy. Mientkiewicz provides the Dodgers with an intangible amount of hustle, an incredible field of illusion that allows normally right-thinking fans and observers to believe that he’s effective as a third baseman and a great base runner, bountiful subject matter for Bill Plaschke, especially on the subject, “My mancrush, the genius Ned Colletti,” and some disillusioned Pittsburgh Pirate fans/player personnel experts.
“You know, most fans think we should be working on a deal with Manny Ramirez,” said Colletti, “But the truth of the matter is, Mientkiewicz has always been our top priority this offseason. I mean, how could he not br? Have you seen his stubble? When’s the last time anyone has won a World Series without a player that has stubble like that? Huh? I’ll tell you one thing, I don’t know how a terrible franchise like the Pirates could pass up a player like this. I mean, we just clinched the World Series. Why wouldn’t the Pirates want that? Do they hate their fans?”
Pirate general manager Neal Huntington couldn’t be reached for comment, but reports out of Bradenton say that the nerd was muttering something about Eric Hinske’s total value to the club being far greater than Mientkiewicz’s because he can play several positions and actually hit for a little power. Whatever that means.